you're shaking my confidence daily

[chestnutcurls]

Okay, I know I haven't sent out those 2003 CDs yet. I'm sorry. It's taken this long to print them up. I'm probably going to send them in batches so the shipping won't break me. Also, I need addresses. If you know I don't have your address and you asked for a CD, please e-mail me. monalisa816@hotmail.com. Thanks. :)

I have a problem. As I've mentioned, I have been sort of gearing up to write stories again. Or just memoirs...anything, really. I always wanted to be a writer when I was little. I have plenty of chapter stories in my file cabinet, written in pink pen on notebook paper during my seventh-grade science class. I haven't written a story since I took creative writing three years ago, but the desire is still there and I think I might be ready to try again. Unfortunately, I've come to realize that I just have no time. The creative process requires a lot of time. Even if I finish my chores on any given day, I have other things that need attention, like Evan, my still-unfinished webpage redesign, exercise, letters and e-mails, photo editing, and my scrapbooks. I can't afford to spend two hours a night in front of the computer, waiting for something to come to me. This will continue to be the case into the foreseeable future. So I'm thinking I will never get to be a writer, at least until I am a retired grandma who doesn't have to work.

My lack of time is just wearing me down in general. On my employee evaluation this year, my boss's only criticism was that I needed to stop working so robotically. I'm afraid that's true throughout my life because it's the only way I know how to get everything done. Every day, I come to work and spend the whole day putting out fires, one after the other. If I get a spare second, I have e-mails to reply to and bills to pay. After work I go to the store and buy the same necessities I bought last week. I go home and do the same laundry and the same chores I did a few days before. If I finish everything, I curl up on the couch with Evan and watch the same shows we always watch. Then I put on the same old pajamas and go to bed. There's just no time for anything else.

What I want to know is, is this what adulthood is about? This assembly-line existence? Where's the joy and excitement? The new things to tackle each day? I'm not saying my life is totally devoid of these things- I know I'm blessed. And I love my boyfriend. But I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything worthwhile. Writing, the one thing that might actually contribute something to the world, doesn't fit in my schedule. It's no wonder I act like a robot, because I feel like one. I perform a bunch of tasks and then I shut down. The end.

Attention Friends fans: NBC is taking votes for the top six episodes. They're going to air them during February and March. You can vote every day, so bookmark it!



Okay, you're supposed to bold the ones you've been to and italicize the ones you've lived in. Not too shabby:
1) Alabama 2) Alaska 3) Arizona 4) Arkansas 5) California 6) Colorado 7) Connecticut 8) Delaware 9) Florida 10) Georgia 11) Hawaii 12) Idaho 13) Illinois 14) Indiana 15) Iowa 16) Kansas 17) Kentucky 18) Louisiana 19) Maine 20) Maryland 21) Massachusetts 22) Michigan 23) Minnesota 24) Mississippi 25) Missouri 26) Montana 27) Nebraska 28) Nevada 29) New Hampshire 30) New Jersey 31) New Mexico 32) New York 33) North Carolina 34) North Dakota 35) Ohio 36) Oklahoma 37) Oregon 38) Pennsylvania 39) Rhode Island 40) South Carolina 41) South Dakota 42) Tennessee 43) Texas 44) Utah 45) Vermont 46) Virginia 47) Washington 48) West Virginia 49) Wisconsin 50) Wyoming

//10 bands/artists you've been listening a lot to lately:
1.) No Doubt
2.) Evanescence
3.) John Mayer
4.) dc Talk
5.) Chantal Kreviazuk
6.) Train
7.) Ben Folds Five
8.) Red Hot Chili Peppers
9.) Jump Little Children
10.) Sandra McCracken

//09 things you look forward to (in order of when they will occur):
1.) getting a haircut and re-color
2.) Valentine's Day with Evan
3.) Jessica, Dania, and Jonathan's visit
4.) Emily's wedding
5.) Kathy's wedding
6.) going to New Hampshire with Evan
7.) redecorating the apartment
8.) watching the Summer Olympics
9.) my 25th birthday (lower insurance rates! yay!)

//8 things you like to wear:
1.) my long jean skirt
2.) my Hope ring
3.) my Rampage shoes
4.) mascara
5.) a fancy pink bracelet that a family friend made for me
6.) Carmex
7.) my pajama pants with hearts on them
8.) Aveeno lotion

//07 things that annoy you:
1.) people who are condescending
2.) very incorrect weather forecasts
3.) the mayor of Memphis
4.) public school policies (more on this tomorrow)
5.) the new Action News 5 ticker at the bottom of the Today show. I'm sorry, you're a local channel, not CNN. And you're very distracting.
6.) not being able to finish all my work
7.) bad hair days

//06 things you say most days:
1.) Franchise Administration, this is Brenda
2.) I can't eat that
3.) You're such a cute cat!
4.) I love you
5.) Hermana!
6.) I have to clean _____

//05 things you do everyday:
1.) read the Bible
2.) wash dishes
3.) hug Evan
4.) make some reference to Friends
5.) Pilates

//04 people you want to spend more time with:
1.) Kathy
2.) Casey
3.) Myla
4.) my LJ friends (yes, you all count as one person :))

//03 movies you could watch over and over again:
1.) The Princess Bride
2.) The Matrix
3.) Happy Gilmore

//02 of your favourite songs at the moment:
1.) Beyonce - Crazy In Love
2.) Jump Little Children - Quiet (thanks, rebianaly)

//01 person you could spend the rest of your life with:
1.) God. ;)

Comments

[stacye13.livejournal.com]

I'll tell my hubby to eyeball this post - he writes, so he may have some suggestions. Here's the first one that popped into my head - how 'bout you dictate your thoughts onto a tape while you are exercising/cleaning, etc. Then they will be there for whenever you have time to sit down & transcribe them!

[chestnutcurls.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :) I do like the on-the-go idea.

[sarah.livejournal.com]

I am so going to vote for the Friends thing. whee! And about the cd, I said I'd like one but you never answered if you want to send one all this way. I can send you something back if you want. (Not a cd, don't have a cdburner but something else). ::goes of to vote for Friends::

[chestnutcurls.livejournal.com]

Oh I'm sorry! Yes, I can send you one. Don't worry about sending something back. Just let me know your address. :)

[my-everafter.livejournal.com]

Not that this would make a difference, but you should get new pajamas so that you don't have the "same old" ones to wear every night! I just recently got a new night gown and it really is refreshing to have something new and cute to wear to sleep. :-P
At least you get to write on LJ, right? I love to see your entries, so there is one outlet to write and maybe it doesn't change the world, but the LJ community sure is blessed by it! Maybe you could have a writing journal and then when you get more time, edit what you have written and try compiling it into a book? Just trying to think of ideas.
Sorry life seems robotic lately- I know what you mean... it sounds like you need a vacation!

[chestnutcurls.livejournal.com]

Oh, I have several sets of pajama pants. I was speaking more figuratively there. :) That's an important point, though.

Thanks Rebecca! You're nice. I have thought about the writing journal thing. I really don't know, though. I don't want people reading my stuff when it's not polished. I do feel like I need a vacation, but that's pathetic since we just got back from Christmas. This is only my second full week back. :P

[my-everafter.livejournal.com]

Oh yay! (Just looked at that survey thing you did...)
You like that JLC song... Quiet is one of my faves too! It's so unique and sweet... I just love it. :-) I'm so glad you like it.

[calypsobard.livejournal.com]

A few years ago I read something about a "quarter-life" crisis that seems to be a common factor among 25 year-olds which talked about exactly what you described. I know that both me and a coworker who are about the same age both felt like that around 25. You're not a long in this and It gets better :)
Molly's also helps to cure everything so we should plan for that! my e-mail is calypsobard@bellsouth.net or you can just call ifn' you stil have my cell phone number!

[chestnutcurls.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :) I guess it makes sense. I mean, you spend your whole life in school working toward Having A Career. Then you get your career, and you settle in, and suddenly it's like "This is it?" It's not very satisfying.

I emailed you about Molly's! :)

[calypsobard.livejournal.com]

And that was essentially what this was saying. There's A book about it. I was 25 in 2001 so we all know how that ended...
But now that you have a serious relationship, your at a new phase in your life, you have that to watch progress, and everythign does eventually settle into place.

[krikketgirl.livejournal.com]

I know this is going to sound like lame advice, but I feel a little qualified to speak, as I am 26, work, have two kids, and have managed to write three novels in the past three years...you don't have to have two hours to create. I know you think you do, but you don't, because what I've found is when I have two hours to sit in front of my computer, I just goof off for an hour and a half, and then scribble something for half an hour.

Get a notebook and carry it around so you can write ideas when you have them. You don't have to get detailed, just jot notes.

Truthfully, nothing spawns time to write like making the time to write. Once you do it, it will become easier, and it really does help make one feel less robotic. That's why I started my first novel a year ago--I was feeling the same way.

I'll be thinking of ya!

[chestnutcurls.livejournal.com]

No, it's not lame! I'm so glad you responded- the voice of experience is a great thing to have! Thanks for your thoughts. I'm probably going to try the notebook thing. Anne Lamott advocates that, and as we all know she's, like, my writing guru now. :)

[mrszoid.livejournal.com]

Is it too late to request a CD?

I am with you on the "assembly line existence". Last night my roommate really hit it home to me - she was asking if I was going to go swing dancing this weekend. I replied "yes, I'm going to try to get in the habit, just to have something different to do." She totally let this slip, and I know she didn't mean it rudely, but she muttered, "yeah, you don't have much exciting going on in your life." My life at times feels mundane - go to school, do homework, and like you said, the spare moments are filled with email and paying bills and doing laundry. I'm content, but some spice would be fun every now and then. :-)

[chestnutcurls.livejournal.com]

Sure, I can send one. Just let me know your address. It might be a couple of weeks, just so you know!

Thanks for relating! :)

[moredetails.livejournal.com]

Hi Brenda! I know it can seem overwhelming to put yourself into something like writing, but I think it can be accomplished in less time than you think. That autobiography kit you gave me would be something great for you. It prompts you with questions to write about, and I'm excited to start typing up some of my responses and saving them on my computer just for memories. Maybe you could just take the time to write memories from your life here and there (just email them to yourself!). The practice and thought should help you. Also, don't forget that you do write in your journal so at least you are getting to do a bit of writing that way--don't feel like you're not pursuing your dream. In little ways, you are working on it. :)

I think your Evan story would make a great book, so you might as well start writing it now.

[chestnutcurls.livejournal.com]

Well, Em gave me something similar for Christmas that I had had on my wishlist. It's a deck of cards with scenarios and stuff on them. And thanks for thinking my writing here is worthwhile. :) I guess it does keep me in practice, anyway.

You really think so? :) Would it be better as a fictionalized story, or an actual story like Eric and Leslie Ludy? Except since we aren't perfect like them, I'd have to subtitle mine The Friendship and Eventual Romance of Two Very Sinful, Confused People.

[moredetails.livejournal.com]

You could write it like fiction, but then make it known that it's based on a true story. :)

[anulyra.livejournal.com]

Brens, I felt similarly to you when I hit my mid twenties. Before I got married life seemed so much more spontanious. I was always out and about, getting seen and seeing the town. I always had tons of stories to share about my crazy escapades and relationships. I felt fun. After I got married life became rather routine. Work, dinner, TV, sleep, repeat. On the weekends it's laundry, grocery shopping, church, clean the house and return to schedule #1. All my single friends still seemed to have exciting lives. If there is anything I should have put on an "I'm not sorry for" list it would be that I'm not sorry that I'm not the life of the party anymore. Sometimes things seem awfully routine, but it's not drudgery. I love Jason and I like my life. It certainly does take work to make spontinaity a priority. You'll get over the hump. No worries. :)

[chestnutcurls.livejournal.com]

Thanks Jen! I think you're great just the way you are. *hugs*

[anulyra.livejournal.com]

Thanks! You're great too! :) :) :)

[ashes-311.livejournal.com]

Read through passage on the Virtuous Woman in Proverbs 31. Consider, after every activity/quality of hers listed, the chief end of man, and how she was meeting that end by that activity/quality. I think you'll realize how many of those things, in modern-day terms, you do every day (yes, every day after day after day ;) but so did she, but somehow we don't realize she had that same daily routine thing going since her life and character sounds so lofty and praiseworthy).

That's not to sound stuffy, trite, and totally unable to relate, because I do understand where you're at. Allll too well. :-P But sometimes we just need to step back and realize that we ARE doing important work, glorifying and enjoying our Lord & Creator, just by continuing our daily duties--going to work & cleaning & bill paying--as He's provided those jobs to do, no matter what they are. He's provided houses, dishes, and bathrooms to clean, and blessed us with the money to pay bills for our necessities as well as, quite honestly, many things that are luxuries.

After the offering at our church every Sunday AM & PM we sing an offeratory response of "All things come of Thee, O Lord, and of Thine own have we given Thee." This past year it's struck me especially that those "things" from Him that we offer back to Him aren't just tithes and offerings from our paychecks. They're tithes and offerings of every aspect of our lives.

Whew. :) I needed to hear that! LOL Sorry I've dumped such thick tomes on you lately! You are such an encouragement to me, even with your silly-fun posts. You have lots of important purposes that you fulfill every day, girl, and I'm thankful I "know" you. :)

[chestnutcurls.livejournal.com]

Hi Ashley! Thanks for sharing your thoughts! You always have very Scriptural, worthwhile things to say. :)

[fraserspeirs.livejournal.com]

As someone who just finished a work of some 50,000 words, I can make one suggestion: sell your TV.

[chestnutcurls.livejournal.com]

I can't. It's Kathy's TV. :) Thanks for your expertise, though! Are you going to publish your thesis? Or is that the point? I don't know how these things work.

[fraserspeirs.livejournal.com]

The thesis does get "published" in a rather vague sense. Copies go to the University library, from where people can request to have it copied for them. It's not exactly a book deal :-)