The Beauty and the Mess

Work has been insane this week. It's good to be busy, but sheesh. If I disappear from LJ for days in the near future, don't be concerned. I'm probably just whirling around in a tornado of folders, staples, and database reports.

A lot is on my mind lately. I want to talk about it but can't seem to find the right words. Mostly, I'm overwhelmed with disgust at the way I'm never totally content. God provides for all my needs. I have such a happy life, yet, like Ariel, I want mooooore. I feel dissatisfied with my work, my stuff, my attitude, my status in life. Then people help me out and I feel horribly guilty, because I don't deserve it. I can't believe how selfish and whiny I am sometimes. Evan is wonderful because he not only loves me in spite of all this, but he also shares in my occasional worthless feelings. He joked that they're the emotions of a good Presbyterian. I told him "good Presbyterian" was an oxymoron. :) I love that we talk about that kind of stuff. Anyway, some people don't love me in spite of my annoyingness, and that upsets me and leads to all sorts of other worthless feelings. Please, please don't comment to say that I'm not annoying, because that will only make me feel worse. I'm just sharing.

We got some wedding cake samples from the lady at the country club. One of them was out of this world. It's vanilla with strawberries, which is (similar to) what we requested. The decision on that one was unanimous. Evan wasn't as thrilled with his chocolate cake, but that's because it had a layer of lemon cake, and the combination tasted funny. I'll just ask her to leave the lemon out. Anyway, she said the design I wanted shouldn't be a problem. Yay!

I'm going to Nashville this weekend to see Debra, but I'm not leaving until tomorrow morning. Once I left right after work on Friday, by myself, and by the time I got there I was too exhausted to do anything. Lonely three-hour drives are better in the daytime. I need to load up on good tunes to keep myself occupied.

( Survey from Jessica. )

Happy late birthday to Shana, with whom I share a brain. I guess the synapses aren't working so well, though, since I forgot to say anything until today! Sorry, Shana! I'm glad it was good.

Spending time with my family last night was great. I heard all about their cruise; they had some hilarious stories, one involving a flying fish that smacked my brother in the head (while he was driving a boat!). They brought me some presents, the best of which was a piece of cake from the Publix bakery which survived in the cooler all the way from Miami! It was a big piece, so I could only finish half. Then I forgot the rest when I left their house. :( I'll be back tomorrow, though, so I can eat the other half then. It's almost as good as being there. LOL.

I'm finally doing that friends-list survey that Jessica made. I was amused that almost everyone chose me as being very social. I don't think of myself as very outgoing, but maybe I am. I do have cool and fun friends, but that's by grace, it doesn't have anything to do with me. :) ( My Buddies )

Happy birthday to the lovely Rachael! And happy late birthday to Sherri!

Life has become strange and stretched-out for me, like on that episode of Stargate SG-1 where the black hole started to come through the stargate and caused time on Earth to slow down. [/geekiness] In the past, a lot of activity has always made time go by faster, but I guess it's different when there are so many big events. Tomorrow evening Evan and I will get on a plane, arrive in our nation's capital in the middle of the night, and then drive to Fredericksburg (Manda, is that anywhere near you? Not that I'd be able to see you, but still), where we will spend the weekend. I'm excited about meeting Evan's cousins and other family members, but sad because while I'm gone, Kathy will move out. When she picks us up from the airport on Sunday night, she won't be my roommate anymore. I was hoping we could have a Last Night tonight. Then I found out our family friend, Gus (he's like an honorary uncle) is in town tonight and wants to take my family to dinner. He hasn't seen me since my engagement, so it's important that I go. I won't be home too late, anyway. (And really- like I would turn down Firebirds?) But I don't want her to think I don't care or don't feel sad that she's leaving.

The bright side is, in 144 days I get to live with Evan instead. Not a bad trade. :D We have decided to stay in my apartment following the wedding. For the last couple of weeks, we were working on buying a house from a friend of Evan's who now lives in Cincinnati. It seemed like a great idea- start off our marriage in our own home!- but I was really overwhelmed at having to deal with so many big, unfamiliar changes at once. Also, I was already stressing about our financial situation if we took it. Besides these things, something didn't seem right about the whole deal. We asked my parents' neighbor, who's a realtor, to run a check on the house. It turns out the neighborhood is depreciating faster than you can blink. That made it clear that the house was not a wise decision, and the peace I felt afterwards confirmed it. Then we thought about getting another apartment instead, one with a real air conditioner and a washer/dryer actually in the apartment. But the more we think about it, the more sense it makes to just stay where we are. Why complicate things? I can live without modern conveniences a little longer, I guess. We'll be together and that's what's important. :)

( Survey from Jessica )

Congratulations to the proud new parents, Fraser and Carolyn! :D

I want to let you guys know that I might not be as chatty on LJ for a while. Lately I haven't been as focused on my work as I should be. I haven't been very aggressive in asking for more work, and I'm going to try to change that. Christians are supposed to model excellence, and I've failed to do that in my job just as I have in myriad other areas of my life. :P Plus, I've realized LJ might have too much influence over me. You guys probably have no idea how much I think and talk about all of you. Sometimes after I've spent ten minutes telling Evan about the hot comment thread of the day, I think, "You know, this is kind of sad." I talk to some of you more than some of my "real life" friends. So I'm taking a little step back. I'll still be posting, reading, rejoicing and praying with you guys, but I'm retiring my Commenting Queen crown for a while. (Unless it's a really slow day. :))

Also, as I told Jessica earlier, my tendonitis is back full force. After work yesterday I was in pretty serious pain- I could hardly lift the teapot to make the tea. This alarms me, since the ergonomic keyboard had fixed the problem before. It's probably just a flare-up, but less typing can only help me.

( And now a survey from Jessica. )

Exhaustion. I didn't get much sleep for various reasons, and then I spent this morning rearranging file drawers. I have a new idea to add to the rain days: nap days. Because sometimes you're not sick, but you need rest. I think my subconscious goal is to find an excuse for every workday of the year. Speaking of workdays, I'm working on Presidents Day. Do businesses have to choose between MLK day and Presidents Day as a holiday? I don't think I know anyone who's off on both of those days.

Yesterday on my way home, I suddenly felt bummed because it had been a while since I got any fun mail. When I went to the mailbox, I had not one, but two fun mail items! Lauren sent me a cute note and a picture of Joe and the car in the snow, and Lori sent me a CD! It brightened my day. Thanks, guys! :)

American Idol was very enjoyable last night. It'll be interesting to see who makes it through. I like Fantasia, even if she supposedly sounds like Macy Gray. She just radiates personality. Marque is my favorite, though. :) Simon is on crack - first he complains about how "boring" and "safe" everyone is, and then cool Katie Webber sings a jazz song, and he tells her she's like a lounge singer. Make up your mind!

I love Tuesday nights because I get to hang out with Ryan and we go to McAlister's. I swear, those people ought to pay me.

( Jessica's Random Questions )

Is anyone else having a hard time keeping track of what day it is? The holidays have really thrown me off. This will be a three-day week for me (yay), so more confusion is coming. Also, I downloaded an update of Semagic and now I have to type in some bold system font. I can't seem to change it. Weird.

In almost exactly six hours, Evan will be getting off his plane in Memphis. I'm bursting at the seams with anticipation. How have I stood being away from him this long? It's horrible.

This weekend was fun and I got a lot done. There was some sun, I got to see Bun, and I took a walk (I can't run). Okay, seriously. I got off work early on Friday. I purchased my paper cutter, and some clearance shoes at Target. Kathy and Daniel and I had dinner at Subway. Em, who was back in town, came to spend the night and we exchanged late Christmas presents. On Saturday I shopped for some necessary clothing items, which was an exhausting and annoying process. Then Debs came over and we went to dinner and finally watched How to Deal while I scrapbooked. It was a great movie- I'm definitely going to read the book now. On Sunday I went to my church. It was lonely in the pew without Evan. After church, I met my family for lunch at the Olive Garden. Then Mums and Debra and I went to their mall. My mom spent a lot of money on me, which made me feel guilty so soon after Christmas. She bought me a shirt to wear on New Year's Eve- a pink Express shirt with a collar. I usually look awful in collared shirts, so this was a big deal. I also bought myself a corduroy skirt at Lerner, and some earrings to match my shirt. They have great jewelry there. Then, exhausted, I met Casey, Luke, and others at our new neighborhood Huey's for dinner. It was fun. After that, I went home and reorganized my closet. I am amassing a huge pile of stuff to give away, but I'm going to see about giving it to Memphis Union Mission instead of Goodwill. I'm giving away some decent things, and I'd like them to actually help poor people instead of being sold for a profit. (Plus, I shop at thrifts and it makes me sad to find my own stuff on the sale racks.)

I had other things to talk about, but this is long enough so I'll save them for later.

( Jessica's New Year survey )

Tooodaaaay the minutes seem like hours,
The hours go so slowly,
And still the sky is light...

My phone has hardly stopped ringing all day. Every day someone else requests something, or a new project is announced that I'm supposed to participate in. If any of you have wondered why I'm not so chatty lately, it's not because I don't like you or because I am depressed. It's because I have so much to do that if I do get a second to post, I'm so frantic that I can't think of anything to say. Please keep this in mind if I am quiet in the coming weeks.

Tonight is date night. :) Evan and I are having dinner and going ice skating. Have I let a week go by without mentioning how wonderful he is? Well, he's wonderful. Last night he called me his best friend and it made me just as happy as when he calls me his girlfriend. :) The rest of the weekend is also already planned. Saturday night will be our first double date with Kathy and Daniel. Kathy is done with school for the semester, so I'll actually get to see her in daylight now. Evan had recently accused her of being a vampire and said he was going to sic Buffy on her.

It was snowing very, very tiny flakes when I came in from lunch, but it's gone now. I'd love snow for Christmas.

Here's a random thing I thought about today: vitamins. How did people discover vitamins? Do they have mass? I mean, did some scientist extract juice from a carrot, put it under a microscope, and go, "Wow, check out that Vitamin A!"? How did they figure out what the different vitamins did and which food items contained them? I'm sure I could look this up on Google, but I'm too busy. I'm just idly wondering.

Wow, I need a vacation. I think the 19th is my last holiday party, and then I'll be free for a little while. I won't have any more potlucks to cook for, or solos to practice, or presents to buy, or cards to write, or parties to go to, or boyfriend's parents to get stressed about seeing. That'll be nice. :)

( Jessica's Five Questions )

Well, the Revolution is over. I'm going to quote lifeofbrian and say Matrix > Revolutions > Reloaded. It wasn't what I expected, but it didn't disappoint me. I enjoyed it, even if I spent the last half-hour of it shaking from the tension. (EDIT: I liked this summary from an article in Newsweek online: "If you missed the second part, you will be hopelessly lost. Even if you saw it, expect more confusion than your average action movie delivers. Now it’s not just a matter of man vs. machine, but humans and programs and machines with competing interests.")

This morning on my way to work, as it was raining a little, I skidded going around a curve and slid across two lanes of oncoming traffic. Thankfully, it was near a red light so no one was coming at the time. I never expected that in non-icy conditions. Anyway, I'm thankful God protected me.

Lately I've been in a Christian-music mood, so I'm listening to my WOW 2003 CD a lot. I noticed right away that Steven Curtis Chapman's "Magnificent Obsession" song has exactly the same tune as "Dive," only slower. I'm telling you, it's the same song. Maybe Curds (hi, dakoda :)) needs to stick to lyrics for a while.

( El quizzo del Jessico )

Attention please:

After much cajoling, my boyfriend has a journal: derisive1. Go say hello and introduce yourselves. :)

( Relationship Thoughts courtesy of Jessica )