"selective elusiveness"
Feb. 20th, 2003 04:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chestnutcurlsWhere is everyone today?
This week I have read two great books: Messy Spirituality by Michael Yaconelli and The Friendship Factor by Alan McGinnis. I highly recommend both of them. This passage from The Friendship Factor was very interesting to me, so I wanted to share it with you guys.
According to folklore, the woman who is hard to get is a more desirable catch than the woman who is overly eager for alliance...But Dr. Elaine Walster and other researchers tell in Psychology Today about an experiment with several hundred college men to determine their reaction to various women. When interviewed initially, the men said they preferred the hard-to-get woman because she could be choosy only if she were popular. And a woman is popular for some good reason. They said such women are usually more personable, pretty, and sexy- a combination that is hard to beat. They were intrigued by the challenge of the distant woman.
On the other hand, college men said that easy women spelled trouble. They were usually desperate for dates, and when they did get a man they became too serious, too dependent, and too demanding. In short, nearly all men interviewed agreed with the researcher's premise that it is smart for a woman to play it cool.
But the data broke down when the men were interviewed about their first dates, set up by computer, with women who were actually confederates of the experimenters. With half the men, the women were instructed to be aloof and elusive. With the other half, the confederates played easy to get and were friendly and affectionate almost immediately. The researchers had predicted that the women most in demand for a second date would be those who were choosy and proved to be a challenge. But just the opposite was true. The more romantic interest the girl displayed, the more desirable the male students judged her to be. Apparently all the world does love a lover.
So back to the drawing board. The psychologists by this time were totally exasperated, so they scrapped their earlier hypotheses and returned to interviewing college men. This time they examined the men more carefully and asked them to tell about the advantages and disadvantages of the hard-to-get and easy-to-get women....Now came the conclusions from the study. The researchers discovered that if a woman has a reputation for being hard to get, but for some reason is easy for the subject to get, she is highly appealing. Such a woman is dynamite for a man because she has the high appeal of being a woman who is selective in the man she cares for, but when she meets a man she likes, she does not hold back in declaring her feelings. Hence his dates with her are highly rewarding and enjoyable. The advice of the researchers, then, is this: Be selectively elusive. If you embody the popularity and desirability of the distant woman, but reach out with friendliness and warmth when you care for a man, you'll be a winner.
This week I have read two great books: Messy Spirituality by Michael Yaconelli and The Friendship Factor by Alan McGinnis. I highly recommend both of them. This passage from The Friendship Factor was very interesting to me, so I wanted to share it with you guys.
According to folklore, the woman who is hard to get is a more desirable catch than the woman who is overly eager for alliance...But Dr. Elaine Walster and other researchers tell in Psychology Today about an experiment with several hundred college men to determine their reaction to various women. When interviewed initially, the men said they preferred the hard-to-get woman because she could be choosy only if she were popular. And a woman is popular for some good reason. They said such women are usually more personable, pretty, and sexy- a combination that is hard to beat. They were intrigued by the challenge of the distant woman.
On the other hand, college men said that easy women spelled trouble. They were usually desperate for dates, and when they did get a man they became too serious, too dependent, and too demanding. In short, nearly all men interviewed agreed with the researcher's premise that it is smart for a woman to play it cool.
But the data broke down when the men were interviewed about their first dates, set up by computer, with women who were actually confederates of the experimenters. With half the men, the women were instructed to be aloof and elusive. With the other half, the confederates played easy to get and were friendly and affectionate almost immediately. The researchers had predicted that the women most in demand for a second date would be those who were choosy and proved to be a challenge. But just the opposite was true. The more romantic interest the girl displayed, the more desirable the male students judged her to be. Apparently all the world does love a lover.
So back to the drawing board. The psychologists by this time were totally exasperated, so they scrapped their earlier hypotheses and returned to interviewing college men. This time they examined the men more carefully and asked them to tell about the advantages and disadvantages of the hard-to-get and easy-to-get women....Now came the conclusions from the study. The researchers discovered that if a woman has a reputation for being hard to get, but for some reason is easy for the subject to get, she is highly appealing. Such a woman is dynamite for a man because she has the high appeal of being a woman who is selective in the man she cares for, but when she meets a man she likes, she does not hold back in declaring her feelings. Hence his dates with her are highly rewarding and enjoyable. The advice of the researchers, then, is this: Be selectively elusive. If you embody the popularity and desirability of the distant woman, but reach out with friendliness and warmth when you care for a man, you'll be a winner.
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(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-20 02:30 pm (UTC)About the absence of LJ people. 25% of the Internet can't connect to LJ right now. It's likely that the people who have normally posted by now can't connect. I was wondering whether you would post today or not. :P
(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-20 02:35 pm (UTC)Hey, it was a real psychological study. And I didn't say I agreed or disagreed- I'm not a guy, so how would I know? :) I just thought it was interesting.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-20 02:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-20 02:47 pm (UTC)it's true. It's true the other way around, too! If a guy seems like he's
so easily swayed into liking so many girls, then he is less appealing. We
want a guy who is particular and has high standards, because knowing we met
them makes us feel special! I think the same is true for the men... if a
girl, who is normally not one to be overly friendly (and I don't mean just
friendly, I mean interested) with just any guy, is friendly with one
guy, he will feel like there is something special there, and it will boost
his ego. People like being around others who boost their ego, that's for sure!
Also, Lawson, it's "selectively elusive" not exclusive. I'm not sure if
that was just a typo or if you understood it differently. Being elusive to
the guys we don't want, and open and warm to the ones we do want apparently
is the way to go. Hopefully I am accomplishing that.
I am accessing this through www.megaproxy.com, that's how I'm able to
respond now. :) I can't login, though, so I can only see public entries,
and I can't even view my friends page so I just went to yours, Brenda. :)
Jessica
(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-20 02:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-20 02:58 pm (UTC)Yeah, it does sort of go both ways. The author went on to explain how this works the same way in friendships. You really need to read this book. It's very relational and Jessica-like. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-20 03:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-20 05:17 pm (UTC)By the way, Brenda, unless there are two books with that name, I think we own it. But it's old and I remember perusing it as a kid...so maybe you have a different book. It does sound good!
(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-21 07:12 am (UTC)I agree...that was very well said. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-20 08:17 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-21 07:13 am (UTC)LOL! :)
(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-20 10:27 pm (UTC)We like it a lot when girls who are known to be picky display interest in us; as has been stated, it's quite an ego boost, as it's an implicit favorable comparison of us with other guys (and pridefully, we enjoy that). Guys get insecure, too -- we need to feel like the girl really likes us, and it helps if she's selective about who she really likes.
Conversely, it isn't such a big deal when the girl who swoons over a different guy every week becomes infatuated with us. (-: We're just the next guy with a pulse. She'll be over us in a week -- no point in getting involved.
What we really dislike, though, is mind games. Please, don't flirt and pretend you're interested if you aren't -- it's dishonest, and it makes us feel used and cheap when we realize (and we likely will) that it's all an act, especially if we fall for it. And don't play elusive, hard to get, and opaque if you are interested -- that's dishonest, too.
I think Jessica hit the nail on the head in a reply to one of the comments ... for girls and guys, learn to be selective and choosy about who you become interested in; talk to God and develop a solid picture of what you are looking for in a member of the opposite sex. Then honest, selective elusiveness will come naturally, and it will be a good deal more attractive than trying to fake the "right" level of selective elusivenss. (-:
(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-21 07:14 am (UTC)This is totally true, and it goes for girls too. I've been on the receiving end of a few crushes that I brushed right off because I knew I was just the next in line. :P Very perceptive.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-21 02:36 am (UTC)courtship is a great idea.. but I think we really need to take advantage of God's gift of dating. make it fun, energetic, and a great way to get to know others.
If a girl plays hard to get too much, as a guy, I either think she has no game, she's not interested, or she's really insecure. A girl isn't being easy if she on the spot accepts the invitation on a date, as long as she does so with good moral intentions and sees potential in the guy.
There's a lot of girls that say they're playing hard to get but in actuality.. they're in denial of their insecurities and don't want to make the effort to initiate relationships.
I don't claim to not have insecurities myself. I haven't been in a relationship for two years, but over the past 1 1/2 years I've been actively dating... dating definitely has it's drama and ups and downs (especially in the lovely land of seattle) but it's an adventure and you seriously just have to lay it before God and make sure that He's in focus and not your hormones.
what a random flow of ideas.. your post inspired me i guess.. 2:36am.. yikes.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-21 07:15 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-22 02:38 am (UTC)