The Beauty and the Mess

I came across this here at the ModestyZone blog (which I think I heard about from Susan). I thought it was wonderful.

( Waiting for love: Be hopeful. )

A while back, someone in weddingplans recommended The Conscious Bride. It was about $1 used on Amazon, so I bought it. I've read several chapters and have mixed feelings about it. It's mostly liberal psychology, but there are a few nuggets of truth. One of the main points is that people fail to realize the loss inherent in marriage - loss of your own family, independence, the identity you've had all your life, etc. Many people don't want to acknowledge these issues, so they use the wedding planning to absorb their sad feelings. Then they wonder why they burst into tears for no reason. Sounds familiar. :P This doesn't mean that you aren't happy about getting married, just that you're dealing with the natural flip side of things. Another point was that it's important to spend time with friends before the wedding, so they can sort of "say goodbye" to you as a single person, since things will be different once you're married. That makes sense. At the same time, though, I want to continue being me. Yes, I'll be a wife and Evan will be my priority (yay! :) ), but I don't plan to stop talking to my friends and family. Wow, this soapbox is old...I hope it doesn't collapse under me.

In a similar vein, Debra called last night to ask me to come to Nashville this weekend. I was planning to go to the Homecoming game and to the fair (since it'll be my only chance to go), so I told her I couldn't. She was upset. I've since e-mailed and offered to come in a few weeks instead. When I mentioned her call to my mom, she indicated disappointment that I was "too busy" to see my sister. Now I feel terrible and selfish. It would be fun to see her and go shopping and stuff...it's just such short notice, I already had plans, and I'm so tired lately. Seriously. I've been in bed by 10 pm for the last three nights, and I still feel lethargic all the time. I am eating okay and taking vitamins, but I now need a Coke to make it through the workday, which is scary. Maybe I have mono or something. :P (ETA: She decided she didn't want anyone to come this weekend after all. Oy.)

Yesterday I finished reading Isaiah. At my speedy quiet-time rate, it took me three months to finish the 66 chapters. Now I'm in James, which I've realized is one of my favorite books of the Bible. It's encouraging and practical. Yay James!

I had other topics to discuss, but it's time to get back to the data checking. I'm hoping to not have to work late, since it's McAlister's night with the guys. My brother goes with us now, which is great. I like hanging out with him.

Now is the time on Sprockets when Brenda posts.

I'm only going to say one thing about it being 9/11: I was very touched by the children reading names at the memorial this morning. One of the girls, who was interviewed on the Today show this morning, has organized a sort of art therapy session for all the children of the victims. I thought that was a really nice idea.

Oh, and since a lot of you are new to the friends list in the past year, here's my where-I-was story if you're interested.

Last night I was home alone, practicing my flute, when a strange man came to the door. I didn't answer. After a couple of knocks he went away, but I was freaked out. I called Evan and talked to him until I felt better. Then Jessica called, and I talked to her until my phone died. It was a good wake-up call to make me wonder what I'm thinking, planning to live alone again. It's weird; I never felt afraid in the apartment before Kathy moved in, but ever since that guy hit my car, I'm incredibly nervous being there alone. There are many things I don't want to be alone for: war, bad storms, roach discoveries, strange phone calls/people at the door, the aftermath of scary movies. What am I going to do once Kathy's gone? Cling to the cat and pray?

The good thing is, Evan really wants to move into my apartment complex. Ideally the apartment across from mine, which has been vacant since March. This can't happen until he has a job, which is all the more motivation for him to get one. We're having a good time planning our Friends-like existence: I'll cook for him occasionally, he'll let me watch his cable and use his DSL whenever I want. :) Anyway, the chances of him getting that apartment are slim, but I think he could get into the complex. Then the alone point would be moot because I'd have a neighbor friend for protection and companionship. So we'll see what happens there.

( Friendationship? )

Our work e-mail has been down all afternoon. The virus spreads.

I changed a few of the photos in my cube today. I have some hilarious photos of Gandalf that I got from Kathy. When I have my scanner/copier/printer, soon, I will scan them and make a big Laugh at My Cat post. He's so funny. This morning, as usual, he laid on the table while I ate breakfast. I got up for thirty seconds to tell Kathy something, and when I came back, he was drinking the milk out of my cereal bowl. It was a good thing I was finished. LOL. What a little moocher.

Being idle doesn't suit me. I've had a lot of relaxation time lately, which I'm grateful for, but it gets old. Last night I cooked a big frittata just for myself because I was bored and wanted to do something productive. Boy, it's going to be great when I'm living alone again. :P Anyway, I think I'd rather be tired with too much to do than sit around all the time. Soon my tutoring at Streets will start again- that'll help. Speaking of which, though, I was reading their newsletter and I realized I went about things all wrong last year. The other tutors really bond with their students. They hang out and take them to movies and shopping and stuff. I didn't do any of that with Yolanda, other than taking her to McDonald's a few times, and even then she didn't want to socialize, she just wanted to eat. It was hard to interact with her outside of tutoring. Granted, they gave me a "difficult" child, but I feel like I screwed up. I'm still going to volunteer again, but I wonder if I really should. If I don't do things the right way, I probably shouldn't be doing them at all.

Survey question (more for the single crowd): how do you guys feel about fix-ups? Are you opposed to them, or are you open to various methods of finding someone? I just want to see if I'm in the minority here. Sometimes I wish I really could go off to a convent. People can't seem to grasp the concept of wanting a relationship based on more than fuzzy feelings and a mutual desire to not be single. If seeking to love a person, not a concept, makes one a freak, then I guess I really am a freak. Okay, none of this is directed at any of you, so I'll stop now. :)

Four days until my birthday/Clay Day!

Spring has temporarily disappeared. It's irritating. But I won't talk about it, since I know some of you have snow on the ground. :)

Tonic will be playing at Newby's tomorrow night. The tickets are only ten dollars. I just found out about it on Sunday, and I really want to go. But I have church band practice, and the director would probably be mad if I skipped, especially since I joined the band late. Why, oh why, does the show have to be on a Wednesday? :( I want to continue playing in the band after Easter, but the Jean Larroux Bible study is supposed to start up again in late May, and the thought of never attending it makes me sad. I'm not sure what to do about that.

I received a monkey, complete with palm tree, in the mail the other day from sominfun. I also got a nice letter from mickey24sync. I love fun mail days.

My sister has three weeks to decide where she'll be going to college. She's torn between two schools- one in Nashville and one in Oklahoma City. Up to this point, she's preferred Nashville, but her friend/prospective roommate just announced that she's going to the OK City school, so Debra is rethinking everything. OK City is also cheaper and is pursuing her more actively. I wish she would go to Nashville, because my mother has implied that she won't be able to afford to fly Debra home from Oklahoma and I may never see her again if she goes there. How uplifting.

Sometimes I feel bad that I went to college at Memphis. The fact that I could have gone to a "better" school always nags at me. I didn't have much choice, since I didn't want to leave town, but people have such disdain for U of M. In the end, I think just having a degree matters more than where you got it, but people (including your own family) scoffing at your school and referring to it as "Tiger High" never boosts your self-esteem. :P Anyone have any thoughts on the importance of a Big Name school?

I mentioned a long time ago that a new movie theater/entertainment complex is being built nearby. It's almost finished now! My mom mentioned it to me this weekend...because she thought it would be "a good place to meet someone." Great. Because that's the kind of person I want to end up with- some random guy I met at a movie theater. Should I really be that desperate? Good grief. Some mothers would be proud to have a daughter with standards. Mine just wants me to hang around waiting to get hit on. The older I get, the more my life resembles the comic strip Cathy. Frightening.

Where is everyone today?

This week I have read two great books: Messy Spirituality by Michael Yaconelli and The Friendship Factor by Alan McGinnis. I highly recommend both of them. This passage from The Friendship Factor was very interesting to me, so I wanted to share it with you guys.

( Take notes, girls )

To me, New Year's Eve is the most stressful night of the entire year. You never know who's having the party. You wonder if you should have a party. Then, at the last minute when you have made other plans, one of your friends decides to have a party. So you rearrange your plans, causing hurt feelings and stress all around. This year, I made the biggest mistake of all by making plans with my parents; Evan and I were going to go over to the house and eat fried turkey with them. I knew something else would come up because of this. Sure enough, Myla called me an hour ago to tell me that she and Luke are having a party. I called Evan in a panic, and he reasonably suggested that we go to the house and eat and hang out a while, then go to Luke and Myla's. To a normal person, this seems like a good plan, but we're talking about my parents and I know their feelings will be hurt. And I feel bad.

New Year's Eve also depresses me because it is the anniversary of my singleness, and every year I feel like I haven't made any progress, because of that. I may have become an independent woman and grown in grace, but everything seems the same on New Year's Eve because another year has gone by and I'm no closer to being married. This is silly. Also, being a girl, I dream that my evening will end like the end of When Harry Met Sally, although I know that it will not. :)

End of whining. I will talk about more normal things in a minute.

Gandalf is settling well into his new home! He was nervous when I first brought him home, but before long he was jumping onto the couch and watching TV with me. :) He is definitely a lap cat. Actually, he seems to prefer laying on our arms, making us unable to do anything without disturbing his kitty sleep. :) His favorite place is on top of the little cat tower we got him. At first he couldn't get down. This drove me to hysterical laughter, because, come on- Gandalf imprisoned on top of a tower! But now he's getting braver. He was starting to climb the furniture this morning.

I am still tired from yesterday. I never thought standing for a couple of hours in unsupportive shoes, sticking stickers on things, would wipe me out this way. It's very weird.

I didn't go to RUF last night, mainly because of the cat, but also because I need to not go there so much. This was the first time I had ever just stayed home, for no real reason. But guess what? Evan was there! Yes, the first RUF he's attended in two months, and it was the one I didn't go to. And Les Newsom was there, visiting and doing the message, so I missed him as well. I had planned to meet up with them afterwards, but Ryan called and told me everyone was just going home. This is seriously not my week.

Oh, here's something I wanted to talk about. I came across this site the other day, Barlow Girl. It's a group of girls who commit to dress modestly, be abstinent, and not date. The first two things, I'm all for; the third, obviously, not. See, part of the reason I reject the whole courtship thing is because, at my old age of 23, I would feel silly doing it. I've been wondering why I feel that way. What is it about courtship that seems to be only for younger girls? The intense parental involvement, partly; that really would be silly as I am independent from my parents. But I think courtship also requires a degree of optimism. There's the sort of expectation that you're going to be married before long, whether you're "courting" at the moment or not. And I haven't had a date since I was 19, so a life of singleness is looking really possible right now. Courtship is like, "Hey, I know you want me, so this is what you've got to do to get me." But I'm like, "Hey, nobody wants me, and extra rules would just make it worse." So maybe that's why I feel silly. Any thoughts on this?

So my head really hurts. It's not much fun.

I made it to 5:00 yesterday, but when I got home, I went to bed and pretty much stayed there until this morning. I got up briefly around 9 to talk with Kathy and eat some pudding, but then it was back to sleep. I felt much better when I got up today, but now the headache has kicked in and I feel like I could stand another 12-hour nap. (Sorry for being cranky at lunch, Jeremy and Lawson. :() I'm amazed at those of you who deal with bad headaches on a daily basis. How do you even function like a normal person? You guys are studs.

It's been a while since I said anything profound here. Maybe because my thoughts have not been very profound lately. I haven't been "feeling spiritual." What I have been feeling is some disappointment in my life and a lot of fear about the future. Both of these things show that I trust God very little, and that I doubt His goodness to me.

I long to be married. My younger sister got married two months ago. She now has an adoring husband, a beautiful home, a whirlpool bathtub, and all-new Corningware. Is God being any less good to me than he is to her? The answer is a resounding no. God will not be less good to me because God cannot be less good to me. It is a cosmic impossibility for God to shortchange any of his children...If he fluctuated one quark in his goodness he would cease to be God.
- Paige Benton, "Singled Out for Good"

I know this is true. But I guess my heart doesn't believe it, and that is my problem. The end. :)

I had a great weekend. :) Austin Powers: hilarious in some parts (the first five minutes, the "mole" part, Dr. Evil's Jay-Z impression), not so hilarious in other parts (basically the rest of the movie). Evan and Ryan and I saw tons of people we knew at the theater, so that was fun. I felt bad for my brother, though, since he spent a lot of time sitting there listening to us talk about stuff he doesn't know about. :)

My brother revealed to me that he and his friends are forming a band. I think it's so funny (not in a making-fun-of-them way, but in a good way). He's going to buy Ryan's electric guitar so they can get started. It's hard for me to imagine my little brother as a wannabe rock star, but he's really excited about it. I just hope my parents don't go crazy from the noise. :)

Yesterday was long, but great. After church, lunch, and dashing back to Kathy's to water the plants, I went back to church for the new members class. Matt, Alli, and I are all going through the process together, and we were very glad of each other's company- we were the only single people there, and the youngest by at least 10 years. Everyone had to fill out a vital-stats form upon arrival, and I got kind of annoyed at the married-bias of the form. Most of the spaces were about your spouse and kids and stuff. Then, in the space for phone numbers, they only had two lines: one for "Husband" and one for "Wife." Unbeknownst to each other, Alli and I both crossed these out vehemently and wrote, "Me" in big letters next to one line. :) We said later that we were both thinking, "It's just me! Is that okay?" I know that married people are the majority, and they're trying to support the covenant family and everything, but it grated on me. Like I'm only half a person, without a husband. :P

Anyway, now that we're through the class, there's a dinner we're supposed to go to at the pastor's house in a few weeks. Then we each have to have an interview. Then we can join the church. After that, there's another class we're suggested to go to during Sunday School time, but it lasts 12 weeks, and I am NOT willing to miss my Sunday School for 12 weeks. Especially when we're about to get a new minister (not that anyone knows who yet, but still). Those transition times are crucial.

I'm sure you guys care so much about the mechanics of my church. But that's a big event with me right now, so :P. :)

( The narrative goes on and on... )

And Kathy is coming home! In fact, she may even be home as I type!

Happy, happy, happy. :)