The Beauty and the Mess

La la la. This has been a boring week. It seems like my life is all or nothing. During the months when school is in, I'm busy almost every night. Then summer comes, everything shuts down, and I have nothing to do. I've already finished four decent-length books this month. Well, next week is Emily's wedding week, so I'll have plenty of fun activities then. :)

Last night I made a big mistake. Debra called after her class and wanted to come over. It was almost 9 pm, Ryan was just leaving, and Evan and I really wanted some quiet time together. I explained that to her, and she said it was okay but seemed upset. I felt horrible. Well, she, my mom, and my brother came by earlier to take me to lunch, and she was definitely still mad. I apologized several times but she still acted cool toward me. Lately, finding a balance has been so difficult. I'm trying to make her and Kathy a priority while simultaneously paying attention to Evan, who's used to having a lot of time with me. It's also sad doing things without him, an attitude I used to find very annoying in other people. When did I become the person who wants to be with her boyfriend all the time? What happened to Miss Independent? :P (Speaking of which, I love that Kelly Clarkson song from Love Actually. She's amazing!)

( A brief survey )

New icon. One of several.

It is finished! The file room project, that is. I just printed off the last sheet of tags for the file drawers. My co-workers will not be told about this, lest I get slapped immediately with some other two-month-long project. I need a little time to enjoy the accomplishment. :) All this peon labor has not been in vain. Earlier I was thinking that I know that file room better than anyone else here, because I personally moved, identified, boxed, and labeled all 1000+ of the files. I have a right to decide how things should go in there, because I made it. Then it hit me, isn't that like God? He made me, and He's the one who should decide how my life goes, because He knows me. I love cheesy file-room sermon illustrations. :)

Today must be a day of revelations, because I had another one about friendship. I realized that for a close friendship to really work, both people should need each other. Not in a creepy codependent way- in a normal way, like wanting each other's company and valuing each other's opinion. When one friend never sees another and doesn't feel a loss, I'm not sure how real their friendship is. Maybe this is obvious to most people...it's new to me. I see that the friends I spend the most time with, now, make me feel good and valued. They make time for me and seek out my thoughts on various things. When I get upset, they comfort me and don't think I'm dumb. That's what friendship is. I'm blessed to have such people in my life, both in real life and here on LJ. Thanks. :)

Tuesday has become my favorite weekday, other than Friday. I can look forward to McAlisting with Ryan, and then Evan comes over and we all watch American Idol together. I usually do some scrapbooking, too, until Ryan leaves. I like my little routines. :) A routine becomes a rut only when you don't want to do it anymore.

I'm feeling good about my weight situation, for once. I recently weighed myself and have lost those stubborn few pounds. Though I have done my best to gain it back since, :P I think I'm okay since I'm exercising more. Debra has my beloved 29 Minute Workout tape, so I ordered another one for myself and did it last night, for the first time in about a year. It's a lot easier than before. I'm definitely more flexible now, and the formerly torturous ab section hardly fazed me. Yay for Pilates! (I highly recommend the 29 Minute Workout. If you can get past the hilarious 80s outfits and music, it's excellent and works all your muscle groups.)

Okay, now I have to do work.

Yesterday was the best day! I got to go home a little early- on a Thursday!- because my boss wasn't here, so my director sent me home. Evan was finished with my car, so I got to spend some unexpected time with him. Since we rarely see each other in daylight, it was a big deal. He did a great job fixing the car...I'm so overwhelmed by how smart and generous he is. :) Then Kathy ordered a pizza for dinner, and I took a good walk, and Friends was on, and then Evan came back from class. I have an overwhelming feeling of gratefulness and goodwill. God blesses me so much. The only dark spot on the day was that tutoring was cancelled again, and it looks like I'm not going to be tutoring Yolanda anymore. Streets is a great ministry, but I have to really think about whether I want to start again with another kid. This will be the third time they've switched me, and I'm getting discouraged. I'm not sure yet what to do.

Sometimes when I'm feeling great and my friends are upset, I feel guilty. I feel like I need to be down there with them in order to help them. But I might not be able to help them if I was depressed, too. Plus, it's only recently that I've been happy on a more permanent basis. So maybe God can use my happiness. :) I'm not sure what my point was in sharing that.

The (unintentional) theme of this week's lyrics quiz is Feelings. I only have 8 this week because it's getting harder to come up with songs people will know. Also, I sometimes include songs that I know one person will know, but then they don't take the quiz and it's very disappointing. So please at least look! You might know one. I'm not that weird. :) ( La la la )

Today is my brother's sixteenth birthday. Why don't guys get Sweet Sixteen parties? It seems unfair. You could change it and make it Slammin' Sixteen or something. Anyway, it's hard to believe that in a couple of years he'll be an adult. To me he will always be little Kev-Kev. :) My parents are taking him to dinner tonight, but I can't go because of tutoring. Evan and I will go to the house later and have cake with them. Also, in all the birthday and Valentine's excitement, I almost forgot that today is our five-monthiversary. :D

steveisright asked for my thoughts on Robert Jordan and the Wheel of Time books. My general opinion is that you shouldn't start reading them unless you have a lot of time. They're enjoyable, but Jordan has two main flaws. One: too many characters. I know a twelve-book epic requires many people, but there are limits. He spends tons of time describing random barmaids whom you will never see again (except maybe briefly, five books later, after you've forgotten them). Two: unnecessary rambling. He re-summarizes major plot points every two pages. To put this in perspective for the girls: remember in the Baby-Sitters Club, how every book had a long, boring chapter with restated fun facts about each of the Baby-Sitters? Now imagine a book where that's going on constantly. Yeah. Bottom line, the plot is interesting, and you'll pick up a lot of fun catchphrases like "May you always find water and shade." But I'm not sure it's worth the trouble.

Kathy and I had an interesting conversation about therapy the other day. Apparently studies have shown that the healing factor of therapy is that people just need someone to listen to them, without motives or judgment. So people who benefit most from it are people who can't find that support in their own families or social groups. I thought that was really interesting. When you look at it that way, LJ is sort of like self-therapy. :) It wasn't so long ago that I was in a situation like that, so it makes a lot of sense to me. Thankfully things are all-around better now.

Hey, I'm sure you're all wondering what came of my brief flirtation with French Riviera Spa. On Robin's good advice, I decided to check out the YMCA instead. But it's $35/month and there's a $90 joining fee. Sadly, I do not have that kind of money. So I will continue doing aerobics tapes once a week and hoping for the best. :P On a related note, Pilates is now making my stomach bigger. It's solid muscle, but it's definitely not flat and nice. I don't think this is what's supposed to happen. I'm sure you really wanted to know about that.

Hello all! I'm feeling better today. By the time I left here yesterday I had a specific de-stress plan. 1) Go to water Nina's plants. 2) Go to McAlister's and get a salad. 3) Rent Friends Season 2, lie down, and watch all evening, without trying to do something else at the same time like I usually do. I accomplished all of these things. The variation was Ryan showing up at my door as I was leaving to water the plants, and coming along for the whole ride. He is a very relaxing presence, so I felt like God had sent him to help me calm down. :) Tonight I am planning more of the same, with Alli. Six more days till California.

Have I mentioned that my optometrist apparently wants to make me his science fair project? I went to get re-checked a couple of months ago so I could order another round of contacts. He decided to "tilt the axis" of my prescription. This resulted in annoying fuzzy vision in my left eye. I went back and pleaded for my old prescription, since it worked just fine. He got hostile and said that the old prescription would not "fix the problem" with my eye, whatever "the problem" is. So tomorrow I go back to Dexter's Laboratory for the fourth time so he can theorize some more about my astigmatism. He put my sister through a similar drama. My mother and I are pretty sure he is a quack, but I can't switch doctors until I get decent contacts.

Okay, here's a deep thought. I'm in II Chronicles now. I read about Rehoboam and his concubines this morning. The rampant polygamy in the Old Testament always bothers me. I feel so bad for all the wives and concubines, who, if they were lucky enough to love their husband, had to suffer through sharing him. Those women never got to experience real love with a man- and that was a normal situation. God allowed it for hundreds of years. Why? In light of this, I think we modern women assume too much. We assume God will give us the perfect happy relationship we want if we just wait on Him. Well, he didn't give it to those women. I know times are different now, and most people do get married these days...but something about it troubles me. Not for myself, really. Just in general.