The Beauty and the Mess

A while back, someone in weddingplans recommended The Conscious Bride. It was about $1 used on Amazon, so I bought it. I've read several chapters and have mixed feelings about it. It's mostly liberal psychology, but there are a few nuggets of truth. One of the main points is that people fail to realize the loss inherent in marriage - loss of your own family, independence, the identity you've had all your life, etc. Many people don't want to acknowledge these issues, so they use the wedding planning to absorb their sad feelings. Then they wonder why they burst into tears for no reason. Sounds familiar. :P This doesn't mean that you aren't happy about getting married, just that you're dealing with the natural flip side of things. Another point was that it's important to spend time with friends before the wedding, so they can sort of "say goodbye" to you as a single person, since things will be different once you're married. That makes sense. At the same time, though, I want to continue being me. Yes, I'll be a wife and Evan will be my priority (yay! :) ), but I don't plan to stop talking to my friends and family. Wow, this soapbox is old...I hope it doesn't collapse under me.

In a similar vein, Debra called last night to ask me to come to Nashville this weekend. I was planning to go to the Homecoming game and to the fair (since it'll be my only chance to go), so I told her I couldn't. She was upset. I've since e-mailed and offered to come in a few weeks instead. When I mentioned her call to my mom, she indicated disappointment that I was "too busy" to see my sister. Now I feel terrible and selfish. It would be fun to see her and go shopping and stuff...it's just such short notice, I already had plans, and I'm so tired lately. Seriously. I've been in bed by 10 pm for the last three nights, and I still feel lethargic all the time. I am eating okay and taking vitamins, but I now need a Coke to make it through the workday, which is scary. Maybe I have mono or something. :P (ETA: She decided she didn't want anyone to come this weekend after all. Oy.)

Yesterday I finished reading Isaiah. At my speedy quiet-time rate, it took me three months to finish the 66 chapters. Now I'm in James, which I've realized is one of my favorite books of the Bible. It's encouraging and practical. Yay James!

I had other topics to discuss, but it's time to get back to the data checking. I'm hoping to not have to work late, since it's McAlister's night with the guys. My brother goes with us now, which is great. I like hanging out with him.

I'm praying for Helen and Nicole and Kimma, and about half my extended family, today. :( I'm especially worried about my grandma. She's having strange health problems lately and seems confused, and a Category 4/near 5 hurricane is the last thing she needs right now.

I've only been in one hurricane- Hurricane Floyd in 1987- and I think it was a tropical storm by the time it hit. I do remember that the schools closed early, and I got to leave and go to Wendy's with my grandma while my dad boarded up the house. That night I heard a lot of wind through the window shutters, but when I woke up in the morning, the storm was already gone. Wimpy hurricane. There was another time when a strong one came close to Miami, but turned back out to sea at the last minute. I want to say it was Diane, but I don't think that's right.

We picked up Evan's new Cabriolet last night. It is awesome. It's in great shape, has power windows and locks, and did I mention it's a convertible? :D I LOVE it. We drove around with the top down, and came to the stunning realization that he now has a nicer car than I do (even though his is a '95!). I'm so excited I get to ride around in it this weekend.

Speaking of this weekend, I get off work at noon tomorrow! To make the most of my last afternoon off till the wedding (gulp), I have a 12:30 wedding consultation at Libby's Flowers. Hopefully they will be reasonable and I won't have to search all over town. In further good news, the tux situation is getting under control, and I have almost all the addresses I need for the invitations. It's exciting that there are only 86 days left, but this week (for planning and other reasons) I've been more stressed than happy. My Bible time is still in Isaiah, and I've claimed a new verse that is helping me: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. I wasn't feeling very God-centered for a while, but recent worries are turning me back to Him. I guess that's why they happen.

It's a pretty good day - one of those days when I like my job. I had a problem earlier with a hotel opening, and my boss stepped in and expertly took care of the situation. Now I know I need to be more forceful with these people. Also, we had a fun lunch at Huey's today, and I got to ride in Helen's new car and discuss work things with her. I'll be sad when she moves in a couple of weeks!

I'm debating buying a new CD walkman. I have two cheap ones- one for walking and one for the car (I mistakenly thought one of them was dead and bought another). But I used to have a nice radio tuner/CD player for walking, which really did stop working. Now that I'm walking so much, I'm getting sick of my CDs. Radio would be helpful if only for variety. I just received some unexpected money and I'm trying to decide whether to spend it on this, or something else, or save it.

You know, tithing is really important. God promises in Malachi to bless us if we tithe and even says, "Test me in this." I've been giving a little more at church lately, which has made me nervous, but somehow my needs are still more than provided for. I know it's not a coincidence. :)

Tonight I'm turning down two potentially beneficial events to sit at home with the guys and watch American Idol. I feel guilty.

My Caedmon's Call Chronicles CD finally came in the mail yesterday. I ordered it three weeks ago. Yay!

This "Life Soundtrack" thing was going around a while ago, so I saved it and have been working on it over time. It's finally done. I altered the options a little bit because some of them were repetitive, and some seemed like they should be included but weren't. Have fun! ( The music in the background )

Welcome kari_w to the friends list! Woo hoo. :)

Here are my pictures from the weekend. I suddenly remembered to post them on my way home yesterday. :P They're very similar to Jessica's, but I thought you'd all want to see them anyway.

Did you know Ingram Hill is on the 13 Going On 30 soundtrack? It's their song "Will I Ever Make It Home" (which I featured on my 2002 CD). This could finally be their big break. Go, hometown boys! I still haven't seen the movie, but probably will with Debra when she comes home next week. Our group is excitedly anticipating the May movie lineup: Van Helsing, Troy, Shrek 2, and The Day After Tomorrow. I love May.

That "23rd entry" meme inspired me to go back and read some of my old entries. Gosh, I was annoying in the beginning. (Was? :)) It's amazing to see how much has changed from even a year ago, and how different I was. I think I've improved in some areas and gotten worse in others. For instance, my insight and study of the Bible isn't what it used to be. :( In the past I went to at least one Bible study a week. Now I don't go to any, for various reasons, and that bothers me. But it also makes me wonder if I should be that dependent on others' teaching for my spiritual growth. Teaching is good, but shouldn't I be learning on my own? I have Bible time every day, but I don't come out of it feeling instantly changed, like with some talks I've been to in the past. Well, God's always at work even if I can't see it.

Flute practice went well. We finally have an accompanist, a nice and talented lady whom I don't know very well. Her father passed away last week from Alzheimer's, and she was sharing with us about that. She has such a peace about it all. It's amazing and inspiring. I mean, I lost my bunny and I was in worse shape than she seems to be. What a humbling display of faith. Anyway, our piece (Harlequinade- sounds like a drink for clowns) sounds much better with the piano, and I'm excited about playing it. The only problem is that there's nowhere to breathe now that we've got it up to tempo. I'll have to figure something out.

The rain falls ever on and on. And the weekend's weather will be iffy at best, which really gets in the way of our picnic plans. Everything will be kind of wait-and-see now. I'm mad because I wanted the CA crew to see how beautiful my city is in the spring, and now they'll forever think of it as rainy and overcast. :( The end of April/beginning of May is always like this, though. I should have thought ahead. One year Kathy, Em and I et al. decided to go to Macaroni Grill for an end-of-semester dinner, but were detained by tornado sirens. The RAs trooped us all to the basement, which was flooding. When we were finally released, the parking lot had turned into a river and it took us forever to drive to the restaurant. Ironically it's one of my favorite dorm memories. :)

This and several other new icons are from icondesperence, which I found through Messa. She's got some great stuff- check it out!

I'm in Genesis again, and I just read Chapter 9, where Noah gets drunk and his youngest son, Ham, is disrespectful about it. (Who says the Bible isn't exciting?) It always reminds me of three years ago when Harris was teaching on the Ten Commandments. He used the story in the Honoring Your Parents talk. Anyway, because of his disrespect, Noah curses Ham's son, Canaan, who later becomes the father of all the nations Israel defeats, like the Hittites and the Amorites. All because Ham called attention to his father's not-so-wise behavior. Kind of makes you think, huh? I know it makes me nervous. Oh, and I'm choosing not to make any Bacon jokes.

I will see Jessica, Jonathan, and Dania TOMORROW! Can you believe it? At any given moment I'm either hyper-excited they're coming, or nervous because I'm so anxious for everything to go well. I'm sure the rest of you will be glad when the trip is over, and you don't have to hear us talk about it anymore. :)

I love this time of year. There's a tree on Poplar that has beautiful pinky-white blooms every year...it always reminds me of Anne of Green Gables' Snow Queen. Someday I'll have a yard with a tree like that. :)

My car has an injury. It's started making a horrible scratchy noise, and Evan was able to instantly identify it as a bad wheel bearing. So while I'm in Nashville this weekend, he's going to replace it, the brake pads, and the transmission filter (just because that needed to be done). In return I will bake him an apple pie. He's so good to me, I hardly know how to respond sometimes. Recently I realized that I try hard to keep things "even" in our relationship, which is difficult since he's always doing favors for me. I don't want him to feel taken advantage of...he has enough to deal with on his own. This is my own problem, though, since he's certainly not keeping score. Maybe if I stopped keeping track in some of my other relationships, I'd feel more relaxed.

I'm reading Ezra now, and this morning I had a cool epiphany. In Ezra 4, the exiled Israelites come back to Jerusalem to rebuild the Temple. But later, they meet with a lot of opposition from other rulers. Clearly it was God's will for them to do this task, even though others did their best to make it impossible. The opposition they faced was not a sign from God to stop building, but a way of refining them and building patience. I needed to be reminded of this. When it comes to everyday things, and especially relationships, I tend to think that if doors keep closing in your face, maybe whatever you're doing isn't God's will. Sometimes this is true. But it's also true that sometimes God is just saying, "Wait." My own relationship is a pretty good example. :) Anyway, just wanted to share that.

Welcome, March! I'm still going through Ezekiel, and this morning's reading was chapter 31. I wrote it down in my journal and thought, "Chapter 31 on 3-1. Hmm." Then I saw that it began, "In the eleventh year, in the third month on the first day..." I know their calendar wasn't the same as ours so it wasn't actually March, but still weird, no? I like March. It is a good month.

This weekend was great in some ways, not so great in other ways. On Friday night Evan and I had a fun, smooey date. 50 First Dates was wonderful (now I want the soundtrack- 80s remakes, though it wasn't an 80s movie). On Saturday I slept in and then went to lunch with Alli and our church friend Rachel. I scrapbooked in the afternoon until Evan was done working on a car, and then we went for a walk. We decided to go out to Cordova and meet Ryan for dinner. Before we left, I started seeing flashes, like when you come into a bright room from a dark one. I was freaked out but tried to be calm about it. By the time we finished dinner, I had a massive headache and felt nauseated and just...weird. We had planned to go to Myla's and watch a movie, and since I really wanted to see her, we went anyway. At her house, when she turned the light out to watch the movie, I suddenly felt better. Thus we figured out that I had a (low-grade) migraine. I've only had one other migraine in my life, so I didn't know the signs. We thought I could sleep it off, but when I got up on Sunday morning it came back almost immediately. I went to church anyway, and then spent the afternoon napping on Ryan's couch while he and Evan watched truck videos. When I woke up I felt well enough to see The Passion with the church group, but since the movie was so emotional, I was right back at square one when it was over. Lather, rinse, repeat. After a fairly quick dinner, I came home and went to bed. Today the headache is lingering, though not as bad, and all I want to do is sleep in a dark room for three days. I don't know how you chronic migraine sufferers deal with it. (Oh, and the movie we watched with Myla was A Mighty Wind, which was absolutely hilarious. I'm still laughing out loud when I think about the movie, and Evan has said "Wha' Happened?!" about twenty times now.)

I have the best boyfriend in the world. News flash, I know. He is so sweet and fun, and takes great care of me. :) He talked to his mom last night, and we've pretty much decided on the last week in August for our trip to New Hampshire. I am so excited.

( The Passion of the Christ )

Hello all! I'm feeling better today. By the time I left here yesterday I had a specific de-stress plan. 1) Go to water Nina's plants. 2) Go to McAlister's and get a salad. 3) Rent Friends Season 2, lie down, and watch all evening, without trying to do something else at the same time like I usually do. I accomplished all of these things. The variation was Ryan showing up at my door as I was leaving to water the plants, and coming along for the whole ride. He is a very relaxing presence, so I felt like God had sent him to help me calm down. :) Tonight I am planning more of the same, with Alli. Six more days till California.

Have I mentioned that my optometrist apparently wants to make me his science fair project? I went to get re-checked a couple of months ago so I could order another round of contacts. He decided to "tilt the axis" of my prescription. This resulted in annoying fuzzy vision in my left eye. I went back and pleaded for my old prescription, since it worked just fine. He got hostile and said that the old prescription would not "fix the problem" with my eye, whatever "the problem" is. So tomorrow I go back to Dexter's Laboratory for the fourth time so he can theorize some more about my astigmatism. He put my sister through a similar drama. My mother and I are pretty sure he is a quack, but I can't switch doctors until I get decent contacts.

Okay, here's a deep thought. I'm in II Chronicles now. I read about Rehoboam and his concubines this morning. The rampant polygamy in the Old Testament always bothers me. I feel so bad for all the wives and concubines, who, if they were lucky enough to love their husband, had to suffer through sharing him. Those women never got to experience real love with a man- and that was a normal situation. God allowed it for hundreds of years. Why? In light of this, I think we modern women assume too much. We assume God will give us the perfect happy relationship we want if we just wait on Him. Well, he didn't give it to those women. I know times are different now, and most people do get married these days...but something about it troubles me. Not for myself, really. Just in general.

I wanted to share something from the sermon on Sunday, because I felt like it was directed right at me. :) We've been going through Acts, and the topic was Paul's "education" in Acts 9. Even though Paul was a genius, a zealot, and generally the most qualified person in the world to do God's work, God didn't use him at first. He went to Jerusalem and witnessed, but we don't hear of any converts as a result of his witnessing. He was dependent on his fellow believers to get him out of several life-threatening situations. After he was forced to leave Jerusalem, the church there started thriving (verse 31). Then he lived in exile in Tarsus for many years. My pastor phrased this as "putting Paul on the shelf." (Since I think of myself as being on the shelf, this caught my attention. :)) The point is, God can use- or not use- whomever He wants to accomplish His work, and it doesn't matter how talented you are. Or aren't. And sometimes, when we're on the shelf, this is what God is teaching us.

Complete subject change: While Kathy was gone, I noticed that most of the foods I like to eat begin with S. You have my three main groups of Soup, Salad, and Sandwich; then there's Spinach, Spaghetti, Shrimp, (Strawberry) Smoothie. None of these things are really bad for you, so I wonder if an "S" Diet would be a good thing. It's kind of a moot point, though, because now Kathy's back and I eat what she cooks. Which is mainly Chicken. Which does not start with S. :)

I forgot to mention that I am going to see Cirque de Soleil in Vegas. I had to pay for my own ticket, but I am told it's well worth it. It's on the night of the Super Bowl, so I sort of hope that no one I care about is in it. But it would be great if the Titans did make it. And won this time.

I have made a friend test. It's pretty silly, but I thought it was a fun idea. :)

This morning I read this: "Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed." I had always focused on the self-control and action parts of the verse, but it was the fully that jumped out at me today. I've been thinking vaguely about hope lately, but in terms of my future, of whether I will ever get married and have children, and things like that. Those are things I want very much, and I continue to hope for them, even if I maybe can't have them. But of course I will not function right if I set my hope on those things. Christ is the only foundation for hope. And I need to remember that. And so do we all. The end. :)